The Brother and Teacher of the Nerodivergent

By Paul Benkendorfer

The concept of weirdness is an interesting one, especially when we take the time to dissect it. But what is weirdness? Well, simply put, the definition of weird means for something or someone to behave in an unusual or unsettling manner. So when it comes to people, someone who is perceived as weird is someone who would make us feel unsettled or uncomfortable. And how we respond to people we perceive as weird determines how we interact or even treat those individuals.

Unfortunately, neurodivergent people are often viewed as weird or odd. This greatly influences how neurodivergent individuals are interacted with. The truth is, there is a chasm that exists in the general public’s understanding of neurodivergent people that needs to be bridged. Most people who do have experience with neurodivergent people come from personal relationships in the form of family or friends. Such as me and my younger brother who is himself neurodivergent.

This lack of understanding has often caused neurodivergent individuals to be the victim of bullying and mistreatment. Even worse, the lack of understanding neurodivergence has even resulted in the deaths of several individuals. This is why many vehicles used for the transportation of neurodivergent individuals now have signs alerting police and first responders that the passengers are neurodivergent so they can respond accordingly.

To be neurodivergent in itself is a difficult concept to understand completely. That is because neurodivergence is a spectrum where the behavior of one individual can differ greatly from another. What’s important is that we help people within our society have a better understanding of who neurodivergent people are and how to properly interact with them. They can make situations uncomfortable at times, but they are no less deserving of the dignity and respect that should be afforded to all people.

When I was an undergrad back in college I met Tony in a class my Freshman year. We quickly struck up a friendship and collaborated together during our tenure in college. We went to the gym together and even worked at a local newspaper together. We maintained a close friendship throughout our college careers and even beyond graduation. He was a gentle soul, intelligent in his own way, witty, and most of all, he showed a great deal of kindness to my autistic younger brother, Jeremy. Some weekends Tony would come over to my dingy, studio apartment to sit and watch football or basketball games with me and my brother. Tony would interact with Jeremy, asking him questions about school or his favorite TV shows. Jeremy isn’t one to answer questions regularly but he would ask Tony to sing or play games. Tony was always happy to do so. Tony treated my little brother like he would anyone else. 

One day when Tony and I were at the gym, I was approached by an acquaintance of Tony. This was a man I had interacted with before, but never really got to know all that well personally. Evidently, he had a class with Tony and they had conducted research together. This gentleman pulled me aside to speak with me. The look on his face suggested that this was a manner of great urgency.

When I inquired as to what was wrong, he whispered, asking if I knew just how weird Tony was.

There was no malice in his voice, no animosity, no hatred. It was simply just a recognition that my friend in fact did not behave in a manner considered conventional to most. The problem was that Tony didn’t understand personal boundaries. He didn’t do anything explicit: he simply placed his phone on a another person’s chest to test a new app on his phone that monitored heart rhythms that he wanted to try it out for himself. Harmless.

I just remember telling Tony’s acquaintance so what, and that I was often told I was a bit weird too. We all can be in one way or another.

He simply told me, no and that I was good. It was just that Tony didn’t understand boundaries or that he told jokes that only he found funny.

See, Tony is someone who is also neurodivergent though you would never really be able to tell. It’s the subtle things like sense of humor or not fully understanding social cues that gave it away. It was what I understood from Tony. It’s what I understood about my experiences with many neurodivergent people. It wasn’t that Tony didn’t respect other people’s boundaries; he just didn’t know that what he was doing was perceived as odd or wrong. Worse yet, no one really ever corrected him.

I think we’ve all done something in our lives that made people think we’re a bit odd. Some people embrace it and wear it like a badge of honor. They’re weird. It’s who they are and who they want to be. Nothing and no one will change them. But we live in a world where people are judged. And being weird is oftentimes met with scrutiny and bullying. When I first entered the field of education I worked as a paraprofessional in a school that specialized in autism. All of these students I worked with were wonderful kids. They loved school and learning. They all had dreams and ambitions. During recess we would play games: tossing a football or playing tag on the jungle gym. All of the kids were full of life and happiness that I don’t think I’ve experienced anywhere else in my life.

And all of them had been the victims of bullying at their old schools before coming to this specialized school. All of them.

Why? Simple. Their classmates viewed them as weird. At least, that is what my students told me in conversation. These children, the same ones who were full of nothing but love, coming to school every day with a smile gracing their young faces, were forced to leave their old schools because of bullying. And they were bullied because they committed the unforgivable sin of being weird.

One student in particular told me that the reason he admired me was because I treated him like a normal person. He was thankful I cared enough to respect him for who he was, and for taking the time to listen to him when he just needed someone to talk to. This is a problem neurodivergent children have been dealing with for decades. Being perceived as weird by their classmates causes them to be alienated, ridiculed, and belittled. A cruelty no child deserves, and make no mistake, it is a cruelty. No one wants to be alienated and forced to feel unwelcome.

When we refuse to understand people we find to be weird we may lose out on potential friendships with kindhearted people like Tony. Make no mistake, that doesn’t mean that we should ignore possible signs of danger or accept automatically accept being made to feel discomfort. But I’ve discovered that most people are willing to listen. People with neurodivergency often want to be treated like anyone else and be accepted. Isn’t that what we all want? To just be accepted?

When we take time to understand those who are different from the rest of us, we often discover there is so much more to people than we expect. Most people don’t want others to feel uncomfortable around them. Sometimes, people being weird are only doing so to feel liked and accepted. There is a lot of love to share and be shared with individuals. You can find some of the most rewarding relationships in the most unlikely places. But most of all, it’s about understanding and respecting one another’s human dignity.